SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING

(2017) Fresh off his buzz of helping the Avengers save the world (Captain America: Civil War) - which he unobtrusively filmed as a video diary - 15-year-old Peter Parker (Tom Holland, in spidey-shoes already well-tread in by Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield), returns home to Queens and his high school life with best friend Ned (Jacob Batalon, in a breakout performance) and Aunt May (Marisa Tomei). But Peter's a restless little spider, anxious to help save the world even on a local level while awaiting the chance to pal up with his Avengers buddies again as soon as he's needed. The only problem is, the phone never rings. In fact, Peter seems to be a thorn in the side of Happy (Jon Favreau), head flunkie to Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), who has been assigned to keep an eye on the boy but ignores Peter's insistent calls; so much so that when Peter, as Spider-man, actually foils a string of ATM robberies and learns the crooks have sophisticated weaponry well beyond modern earth technology, Happy doesn't take Peter seriously - leaving the boy to dig deeper into the mystery himself, until eventually he gets a little too close to a very dangerous arms dealer (Michael Keaton), who realizes he needs to squash the spider if he's to keep doing business. Columbia was smart to team up with Marvel to reboot its franchise yet again, but at the same time the film is awash in typical (and stereotypical) Marvel-ocity of overblown action sequences, tons of CGI, and a plotline that comes off as yet another by-the-book Marvel movie blueprint (hero attains minor success, hero is pounded into the pavement by bad guys, at last minute hero rallies back for final confrontation). The truly successful, truly genuine moments in Spider-man: Homecoming are the quiet ones; Peter's scenes with Ned and at school, or trying awkwardly to speak to the girl he's crushing on (this is often where the funniest moments of the film can be found, as well). Michael Keaton, the film winking to his past incarnations as both Batman and Birdman, has his menacing moments as The Vulture, but tends to communicate more menace with a leering grin than dialogue that sounds anything but regurgitated from previous villains. Even Iron Man/Tony Stark, as Peter's mentor, seems to pop in and out as the plot warrants. While there is a lot of fun in the newest Spider-man, and Tom Holland does a good job in the role, Parker himself even comes off annoying at times in his "gee-whiz" boyishness the script overplays; there are more than a few times Peter Parker feels more like an adult's view of what a 15-year-old is like than the real thing. And the film itself, while near-perfect for the lexicon of Marvel and superhero flicks, at the same time feels like the same old superhero story that just keeps pumping out of the studio gates over and over again; inspired eye candy (if you can get past all the CGI), but essentially without soul. (rated PG-13)  6.5/10 stars

HOW TO STEAL A DOG

(2014) One of my favorite films seen in 2017 opens with a plucky (yeah, I used "plucky") little Korean, Ji-so, who is trying to fit in at school while hiding the secret that she, her little brother, and mom are all homeless, living out of her father's old pizza delivery van since the family went bankrupt and dad left home. Ji-so's mom is trying her best to hold onto a job that will enable her to keep the kids in a good school, while moving the van to a new location whenever their situation is close to being found out by the authorities; it's a tough life as Ji-so tries to keep hidden from everyone, until a classmate follows her "home" and instead of judging her the girls become best friends. But what Ji-so longs for most is a home; a home to have a party in for her upcoming birthday that she can invite her whole class to, like any other little girl - and a flyer on a telephone pole, advertising a local bigshot's dog gone missing, gives Ji-so a brilliant idea: she and her friend will lure away and hide dogs from rich people, wait for a reward to be posted for them, then miraculously "find" the dogs and return them to their owners ... all to raise the down payment for Ji-so's new house! After some scouring around town, Ji-so finds the perfect dog, and his perfect owner: a former boss of Ji-so's mom's, a cranky rich lady who owns a high-end cafe (that her unscrupulous nephew runs, only because he hopes to inherit it one day) and owns a dog she treats better than any human being, including the nephew. The girls' initial attempts at dog-napping are laugh-out-loud funny (and go awry, even after careful planning), but eventually the goal is achieved ... and that is when all heck breaks loose, when a shifty pizza delivery boy, a homeless man with missing fingers, the rich lady's crooked nephew, and Ji-so's annoying little brother all get in the way of the girls' already questionable plot. How I love this film, a  drama with a screwball comedy wrapped around it that had me weepy by the final scenes. I've said it before, and will say it again: I wish they made movies like this, that so touch your heart, on this side of the Pacific. (not rated)  10/10 stars

 

MY LIFE AS A ZUCCHINI

(2016) This Oscar-nominated stop-action animation film opens with a young French boy nicknamed Courgette (French for 'zucchini') flying a kite he has named after his long-gone father, as downstairs his mother sits in front of the TV, drinking and watching soap operas. A horrible accident leaves Zucchini an orphan, and a kind police officer who knows his story befriends the nine-year-old, taking him to a foster home where Zucchini - quiet, scared, and riddled with guilt - only slowly learns to live, laugh, trust, maybe even love again, with the help of the other orphaned children who live there. The look of Zucchini is very stylized yet simple, sets and props minimal and boxy and making the vivid colors, bulging eyes and marionette look of the characters stand out even more. It's also really sweet to see how, while Disney/Pixar, Dreamworks, and other computer animation giants abound in this industry, stop-motion animation is still not only a thing ... it's an Oscar-nominated thing (Zucchini was nominated last year for the Best Animated Film Oscar alongside its fellow stop-motion animation nominee Kubo and the Two Strings, which should have easily won the statue). At just 70 minutes in length, My Life as a Zucchini is short, sweet, and quite charming; a brief look into grief healed by love, trust earned with compassion, and one little boy's learning to let go of the past so that he may embrace his future. (rated PG-13)  8/10 stars

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES

(2017) It's been several years since the deranged Koba started the war with humans in the second film of the trilogy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Now, the human population heavily decimated with the "Simian Flu" that helped the apes to evolve in the first place, leader Caesar (Andy Serkis) - who'd always advocated peace between the apes and mankind - leads what is left of the apes in what he hopes will remain a peaceful life in the jungle ... until some soldiers are sent in to attack and kill Caesar, slaughtering over 60 more apes by the time all the violence is over. Still believing in peace, Caesar spares the lives of the few surviving soldiers, sending them back with a message to their superior officer: "I did not start this war. I killed the ape who started this war. Leave us the jungle, leave us in peace." But when a follow-up attack leads to tragedy for Caesar, via a crazed colonel with an agenda (Woody Harrelson, doing his best crazy-eyed whackjob schtick), Caesar realizes that not only does he have to set his fellow apes on the path to a new home, for their own safety ... but that he also cannot go with them. Not yet. Not until the colonel is dead. So begins the final chapter of this trilogy, which updated the original Planet of the Apes films to modern-day, and as much as I loathe an over-abundance of CGI/special effects in today's films, I have always found the films in this series fascinating to watch because of the utter realism that often makes the simian characters infinitely more humane than the human ones. No exceptions here as we follow Caesar on his odyssey, the great leader having terrifying visions of the dead Koba as a warning of what may befall him should he keep on his path. Along his way, War for the Planet of the Apes has moments of drama, suspense, tragedy, humor, passion, pathos, frustration, fear, and you'll even shed a few tears before it's all over. Caesar and his story both deserved an epic final chapter - and while I'm not sure this finale was quite epic enough (most of the action takes place in a cold, abandoned military compound in the mountains, kind of a static and dismal backdrop), the evolution of visual storytelling between these and the original films alone is as stunning to watch as the evolution of the apes themselves. (rated PG-13)  9/10 stars

IT

(2017) Think "Stranger Things" meets Freddy Krueger in pancake makeup. Children in Derry, Maine are disappearing. It hangs over the town like a ghostly pallor no one will talk about, even as the "Missing" flyers go up ... and it becomes very personal to young teen Bill Denbrough (Jaeden Lieberher) when his kid brother Georgie (Jackson Robert Scott) heads out during a rainstorm to try out a paper sailboat Bill has just made and sealed up with wax for him ... and also disappears. By far, one of the most disturbing scenes in It is when, in the opening minutes of the film, we as the viewers get to see what happens to Georgie, whose boat gets away from him, sailing in the dirty rainwater curbside until it sails through a sewer grating - and in his effort to get it back, Georgie learns that a delightful clown named Pennywise has found it for him. Pennywise lives in the sewer, you see, where - he assures Georgie - "We all float down here!" before literally snatching Georgie off the rainy street. A couple years later, still haunted by Georgie's absence and the disappearances of Derry kids (as well as the mutilated remains of those missing who are found), Bill and his close friends are all having visions, dreams, of the red-haired Pennywise (as well as other nightmarish creatures) out to get them - and Bill, refusing to let Georgie go, bands the group of "Losers" together to bring Georgie home. Based on the telephone book-sized Stephen King novel, the film version of It most assuredly ratchets up the action, suspense, violence and fear factor of the 1990 miniseries that starred Tim Curry as the infamously evil clown. Here, Bill Skarsgard tones down the mania from Curry's version, doling out his sinister creepiness with a simple "I dare you to 'f' with me" smile and eyes that could seemingly bore through granite. The CGI effects used for Pennywise's more outrageous manifestations distract a bit toward the end, but Skarsgard has no doubt picked up the gauntlet and makes the character his own. This is the first of two planned films - the second will take over with the kids as adults, when Pennywise proves he is not finished with them yet - and while the miniseries was well-made and had an excellent cast, as well as its share of chills (right up to the ridiculous final battle), this feature film version of It feels more mature; it's depths rooted in the pensive, beleaguered, yet oh-so-angry face of Bill Denbrough, who fights his fears to find his brother. The young cast is outstanding, Lieberher award-worthy - the film not so much about an evil clown as it is about the childhood fears that haunt us all ... often well into adulthood. (rated R)  9/10 stars

THE FALCON IN HOLLYWOOD

(1944) World-famous detective The Falcon (Tom Conway) is on holiday in Hollywood, California when the pursuit of a swiped purse leads him to the fresh corpse of an actor on the lot of a film studio - a body that disappears in time to get The Falcon and his newest buddy, lady cab driver Billie (the very funny Veda Ann Borg) into a mess of trouble that sets The Falcon on solving the murder. Clues lead him to the dead man's apartment, the actor's widow (a costume designer who was having an affair with the director of the very film she and her husband had been working on), and of course the director himself, whose film feels cursed once the body is indeed found. A talented "B" cast turns this film into grade-A material, complete with a decent mystery puzzle and a tongue-in-cheek levity/sense of humor that works every time. Conway, dapper as always, shares some brilliant (and quite funny) on-screen chemistry with Borg, and if nothing else this makes The Falcon in Hollywood one of the best, most entertaining of its genre - one of those pleasant Sunday afternoon movies that will leave you with a smile on your face after catching it on TCM. (not rated)  8/10 stars

**Sorry, could find no trailer availabe**

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

(2017) Heroes-for-hire after the events of the first film, the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel opens up with Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) - aka Star Lord - and his motley band of friends protecting some very important batteries, in a really cool opening title sequence that completely plays on the sardonic humor the first film set up. Sadly, Rocket (Bradley Cooper), being one bitter and feisty raccoon, can't stop himself from a little thievery on the way out, leading to a battle where the Guardians are saved by none other than ... Peter's dad? The film is essentially Peter dealing with his roots and daddy issues, once meeting Ego (Kurt Russell) and learning his father is actually a god who wants to teach Peter the total capacity of the powers he holds. But something is decidedly rotten on the planet of Ego, and Gamora (Zoe Saldana) has her spidey-sense a-tingling,even as she has her own issues in dealing with a sister (Karen Gillan) determined to kill ... while Yondu (Michael Rooker), still trying to fit in with his old brethren, has his own crew mutiny on him, and - egad - has to rely on none other than Rocket and Baby Groot to fix the problem! There is a lot - yet not a lot - going on in this sequel, at least until the final battle sequence, but while some very funny humor sprouting up throughout the film (and Baby Groot; man, I want me a Baby Groot) kept reminding me of how much I loved the first one (comparing it, in a review, to Star Wars in its depiction of a crew of misfit strangers coming together to save the galaxy), I couldn't pour my heart into Vol. 2 the way I did for part one. For me the whole Ego storyline fell flat - felt like bad/weak writing, in particular because its very set-up told you precisely how things were going to go; would rather have seen more of the story (and golden people) that opened the film, as well as played out a bit more in the teaser shown during the credits; those regal beings were far more interesting than Ego and his beautiful, bland world any day. In no way did I hate this sequel; everything outside the Ego storyline felt like old (and funny) times with good friends. Everything else - until the Guardians were reunited for the final battle, at least - felt like the planet Ego itself: pretty, but lacking life. Well, the soundtrack is amazeballs, as in the first film! (rated PG-13)  6.5/10 stars

BAKUMAN

(2015) Moritaka Mashiro (Takeru Satoh) is a junior high student kind of just floating through life with little ambition beyond constantly drawing in his sketchbook. When he leaves said book behind in class one day, it's found by fellow student Akito Takagi (Ryunosuke Kamiki), a writer who seeks an artist for a new series of manga he wants to put together. Mashiro refuses (his uncle was a world-famous mangaka, and the toll of the work killed him), that is until Takagi encourages the directionless young man to speak to the classmate he's in love with ... who, in turn, reveals her plans to one day be a voiceover artist, giving Mashiro the strength to reveal his (really Takagi's) plans to be a manga artist, to impress her. The two vow to meet again - even marry - when Mashiro's manga comes to TV and he can hire her to voice the lead character. In other words, when both have reached their dreams. Mashiro and Takagi begin immediately, seeking national serialization with the #1 producers of manga, Shonen Jump ... and what Bakuman showcases perfectly is the incredible talent, dedication, time and extremely hard work it is for young artists and writers to keep up the pace of producing a top-rated manga week after week, day after day, for years at a time - all for little to no pay unless fame strikes, and going without sleep to make a deadline, sometimes for days at a time. My own knowledge of manga is pretty limited, but I have a complete and total appreciation, after seeing this film, of what these artists and writers go through; the utter discipline and commitment so necessary when it all may be for nothing. We're treated to both progress and pain with Mashiro and Takagi, in their bid to make it big, rooting for them all the way in this comedy-drama from Japan that gives you a behind-the-scenes peek at how some of the most popular reading material in the world comes to life - and the intense, and lack of food and rest, it takes to get it there. Oh, and the manga-style animated sequences are brilliant. (not rated)  7.5/10 stars

SILENT HILL

(2006) Not a gamer myself, many a time would watch my friend Kye play Silent Hill, and right off found myself intrigued by the darkness of the game - not just literal darkness, but also the darkness of the story and characters, not the least of which were a bulky dude with what looked like a pyramid for a head, and a gaggle of nurses in bloodstained uniforms, whose faces ... well, with no faces technically. Gruesome stuff. All that and more can be found in the film version, which begins when Rose Da Silva (Radha Mitchell) can no longer handle seeing her adopted daughter Sharon (Jodelle Ferland) suffer with nightmares and sleepwalking jaunts, the young girl waking up screaming "Silent Hill!", so against the wishes of her husband (an under-utilized Sean Bean) grabs up Sharon and takes off in her SUV for the small town, determined to find answers. But when a female deputy (Laurie Holden) finds Rose's attitude suspicious and beings pursuing the mother and daughter, in her attempts to get away Rose crashes her vehicle ... and awakens the next morning virtually under the huge sign welcoming her to Silent Hill, still slumped behind the wheel, the passenger door wide open and Sharon nowhere to be seen, as a thick gray fog encompasses everything in sight. When Rose steps out of the car to what appears to be snowfall raining on the town, she quickly realizes it is ash ... and Rose's trip to an alternate universe and the creepy, too-quiet town known as Silent Hill that has seemed to swallow up her only child, has begun. First off, having finally watched this film uncut and all the way through, I am still bowled over by how much it actually looks like the game; the filmmakers took great care to create very nearly the same world, tense and quiet as death (well, until the horns begin to blow and the skies turn black ...) and sinister as all get-out. But beyond the visuals, the film is also quite creepy in its execution of story - the whys and whats of Sharon's connection to the town, and Rose's struggles to find her before the town itself (or its denizens) swallows either or both of them alive. Creepy and inventive, Silent Hill has its graphic moments, but also relies equally on atmosphere and building tension to bring you the chills. (rated R)  8/10 stars

1922

(2017) Based on the Stephen King novella, 1922 stars a nearly unrecognizable Thomas Jane as farmer Wilfred James, a prideful man struggling to keep his meager farm afloat with the help of his devoted teenaged son Henry (Dylan Schmid), even as wife Arlette (Molly Parker) has grown tired of living this life, and informs Wilfred one night that she wants to sell off some of their farmland - her inheritance - to Wilfred's biggest competitor and neighbor, and have the family start anew in the city. When Wilfred says no way, Arlette shocks him further by saying that she's fine with that ... but is going anyway and taking Henry with her, whether he likes it or not, using the money from the sale of her land (which Wilfred can't afford to buy, himself) to open up a dress shop. Needless to say, Wilfred doesn't like it, and after mulling things over decides on what he feels is his only option: killing Arlette. Working to slowly poison Henry's mind against his mother, the evil woman trying to take the boy from the farm/home he loves to the corruption of the big city, Wilfred does indeed convince a horrified, terrified Henry to help, and the fumbled murder ends up with Arlette in a dried-out well, Henry filled with guilt, and Wilfred telling tales of Arlette running off to the city and abandoning her family. That is, until everything begins to unravel, and Wilfred begins to start seeing and hearing things. I expected just a bit more ... Pet Sematary-ish weirdness from this film (the trailer is a bit misleading, I fear), and while certainly supernatural elements are present in the final thirty minutes of runtime, what felt like a horror story coming turned out to be more of the story of how an act of evil curses a man and his entire family. Jane is brilliant, Dylan Schmid equally worthy of praise in what should be a breakout role for the young actor. Just wished the film had packed a better, more satisfying punch, going out with a bang instead of a whimper. (rated TV-MA)  6/10 stars

KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE

(2017) This film's predecessor, Kingsman: The Secret Service, instantly became one of my five favorite films of the year, first time I saw it. Loud, outrageous, even insane, it was like being trapped in a comic book being written, as you experienced it, by a genuine nutjob with a penchant for violence and one wicked sense of humor .. and I loved every moment of it. Sequels, by definition, are usually inferior, which was why I wanted to see - yet also dreaded seeing - this sequel to my beloved Secret Service. And though this one hits many of the same bells and whistles (too many, which is part of the problem, though the opening sequence absolutely KICKS ASS, getting my hopes high), Golden Circle is overall a disappointment, taking our beloved Kingsman where they don't deserve to go: to their American counterparts. Julianne Moore is the lead villain here, good but almost bordering on too cartoon-y as Poppy, the most successful woman drug dealer in the world ... but no one knows it, because she's hidden away on an island complex to escape the law. But Poppy has a plan, and it begins with killing off all members of the Kingsman - mostly by blowing up their homes and offices - though by a stroke of luck our beloved Eggsy (Taron Egerton) from the first film, along with admin wizard Merlin (Mark Strong), survive. Eventually they follow the clues to America, and in Kentucky discover their American counterparts in Champ (Jeff Bridges) and his agents, including Tequila (Channing Tatum), Whiskey (Pedro Pascal), and admin Ginger (Halle Berry). And when an epidemic begins breaking out in the form of blue, veiny streaks on the faces and bodies of people around the world, the remaining Kingsman agents finally get wind of Poppy's real plan - and can't even trust the American government, or their fellow American spies, for help. The film is good adult fun, with its trademark violence and crazed, Tarantino-style action - but the plot is also rather silly and far-fetched (yes, even for a Kingsman film), the characters coming off more caricature than character, and the film also feels bloated with too many famous faces, whether in supporting roles or cameos, that take away focus. Still a good film, even worth watching more than once, but when held up to The Secret Service it lacks that head-rush - that sense of inspired lunacy - the first film had in nearly every frame. (rated R)  6.5/10 stars

CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS: THE FIRST EPIC MOVIE

(2017) George (Kevin Hart) and Harold (Thomas Middleditch) are a pair of hyperactive, highly-imaginative grade school boys who've been best friends all their lives. They are also comic book creators and unstoppable pranksters, much to the chagrin (and outright hatred) or their school principal, Mr. Krupp (Ed Helms), who is determined to end the boys' reign by splitting them up into different classes. When the boys, instead, find themselves able to hypnotize Principal Krupp into doing their bidding, they turn him into the superhero of their own hand-made comic book ambitions - the incredibly enthusiastic (also mind-numblingly stupid and inept) Captain Underpants ... just in time for the evil (and hilarious) Professor Poopypants (Nick Kroll) to hit town, where he lands a teaching job at the boys' grade school, in his first steps at taking over the world. The first (hopefully not last) Captain Underpants film, based on the popular kids' book series, is bright and colorful, frenetic and kooky, and really, truly funny in parts even if you're not a kid. For me the computerized animation, while great to look at, didn't lend a lot of warmth to the film visually, but there is a wit, a light sarcasm to the humor and characters (who often break the fourth wall, pulling the viewer in), that make for a solid 89 minutes of fun. (rated PG)  7.5/10 stars

ALIEN: COVENANT

(2017) After the major letdown that was Prometheus, I was hoping director Ridley Scott - the original helmsman behind the first films in the Alien franchise, the first two of which are among my favorite films of all time - but after what seemed a fairly promising opening, even with a few lame potholes in the writing/plot, Alien: Covenant turns into a derivative, ill-conceived, badly-written (especially the last third of the film) mess that even Michael Fassbender, in the dual roles of androids David and Walter, can't save. Set eleven years after Prometheus, Covenant opens with a colonization ship of the same name traveling through space toward a planet set to be the new home for the 2,000+ cryo-sleeping humans aboard, when the crew receives a strange signal from a planet nearby. Discovering the planet's atmosphere is similar to that of Earth's, and might therefore be a better choice than the still far-distant planet they are traveling years to get to, the Covenant sets down to check things out ... and boy, does the you-know-what hit the fan right away, via a form of a biological menace that does its own nasty bout of destruction before the aliens even show their scary, ugly heads. And the aliens are ugly, too; a throwback to the days before CGI, they look real and quite menacing - and sadly, even with such a strong cast, the aliens remain the most interesting characters in the film, everyone else flat and disposable (yes, even Fassbender x 2). The ending is just plain silly and weak, with a "twist" that Mr. Magoo could see coming, Ridley Scott trying to cram too much depth and not enough character, story or plot into a dissatisfying, disappointing heap. Shame on you, Sir. Well, at least the aliens were cool. (rated R)  4/10 stars

DANCING LADY

(1933) Having started her career as a dancer, it's a shame Joan Crawford wasn't put into more films where her talents in that area could be more utilized, but Dancing Lady is a prime example of her skills, as well as an entertaining love story/backstage drama in which Crawford plays Janie Bigelow, a young hoofer so determined to make it and spend her life dancing, she's doing burlesque when she catches the eye of rich playboy Tod Newton (Franchot Tone, who would become Crawford's second husband). Tod, in an effort to win Janie over, gets her an audition for a big Broadway show directed by the one and only Patch Gallagher (Clark Gable), who hates what he sees as Janie trying to sleep her way to the job by dating a rich guy, yet hires her anyway when he can't deny she has genuine talent. The love triangle builds from there, of course, but the actors make it all fresh ... and early appearances by the Three Stooges, Nelson Eddy, and Fred Astaire (who is a delight to watch, dancing with Crawford, in his film debut) all make this film not only worthwhile but truly fun to watch, Crawford and Gable (who were reportedly also quite hot and heavy off-set) absolutely shining on the screen. (not rated) 7.5/10 stars

HERCULES

(1997) Brilliant and jaw-dropping as modern animation can be, sometimes I find it necessary to get back to what true hand-drawn storytelling was all about - which practically made watching Hercules for the first time a trip down memory lane, to the "old-fashioned" (compared to today's sometimes soulless computerized animation), old-school style of "cartoons" I grew up with. On Mount Olympus, the son of gods Zeus and Hera, Hercules, is nearly stripped of being a god by the evil Hades (a wickedly funny/evil James Woods) as part of a plot to take over Zeus's domain. All that remains is Hercules's unfathomable strength, and now as a mortal he cannot remain with the gods, so Zeus sends his only son to earth to be raised by human parents. Discovering his legacy as a teen, a young and geeky Hercules - who has yet to learn how to control his massive strength - must prove himself a true hero before his status as a god can be restored and he can go home ... while Hades, his long-range plot of domination finally close to happening, has other plans for the young mortal - the only man (or god) alive who can foil his evil plans. Hercules has all the typical Disney animation elements going for it (irascible sidekick, talking animals, evil minions, a faithful animal companion, and good doses of humor), yet there is a little something special there that made me really enjoy the film a bit more than I expected. Doesn't hurt that James Woods makes for a villain both awesomely rotten yet genuinely hilarious at the same time ... but yeah, there's something typical yet atypical of Disney's Hercules, at heart still reminding me of the genuine blood, sweat, tears ... and pure art that went into animation in its hey-day. (rated G)  8/10 stars

DON'T BREATHE

(2016) Alex (Dylan Minnette) has a father who owns a home security company - allowing Alex and his burglar-buddies, Rocky (Jane Levy) and and her boyfriend Money (David Zovatto) to lead a clandestine life of robbing the more affluent homes of Detroit, the young adults trying to finance their way to Los Angeles and a new life. Per Alex, the trio never takes more than $10,000 worth of valuables, making their crimes just short of felonies that'd require a rougher prison sentence ... but when Money gets word of an old war veteran (the always-brilliant Stephen Lang) living on his own in an isolated, rundown part of town - whose recently come into money after the accidental death of his daughter - he and Rocky talk Alex into helping them score what could be enough money, in one take, to leave Detroit for good. When they case out the joint and learn the guy is blind as well, Alex finally agrees to the felonious caper, assuming an easy mark - but even before they're in the house, things are far from easy ... and once in, it becomes a lot less clear, very quickly, who is the hunter and who is the hunted. Don't Breathe isn't so much a title as a warning; one of the best thrillers of recent years, this is one film where, even if you sort of guess the "big twist" about halfway through (as I did), you'll still be - literally - holding your breath (or covering your mouth) for most of the film, not from cheap jump scares but from genuine, super-suspenseful tension that, like a piano wire being tuned, pulls and pulls and pulls so taut, you're sure something will snap; a level of suspense that, literally, holds up right to the end of the film and beyond, never fully letting the viewer go. Terrific film. (rated R) 9/10 stars

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

(2017) For twenty-six years Beauty and the Beast has remained my favorite of all of Disney's animated films; I still remember seeing it in a theater, alone, and marveling at the heart and soul captured so beautiful in a story that felt very personal to me. So naturally, even with a cast of some of my favorite currently-working actors, I was skeptical of a live-action remake tampering with perfection. Finally having seen it, to my relief Disney did so much right here - not the least of which was sticking very close to the original animated film without quite duplicating it shot by shot, or line by line. With some new songs, a few added scenes, and an excellent cast, this well-trodden story - about a prince cursed for his obstinance and pride, who must find true love (and get her to love him in return) to break the spell - that, somehow, comes off fresh and nearly as enchanting as its animated counterpart. Emma Watson and Dan Stevens shine in their title roles, backed up perfectly by an exceptional cast (Luke Evans, Kevin Kline, Emma Thompson, Ewan McGregor, Sir Ian McKellen, Josh Gad) that make this tale-as-old-as-time virtually sing anew for 2017. Oh, and Evans and Gad together on-screen, anytime, is freaking hilarious! (rated PG)  9.5/10 stars

9

(2009) Director Shane Acker (whose short subject this film is based on was the recipient of an Oscar nomination in 2006, while he was attending UCLA) has crafted a visually stunning post-apocalyptic vision in 9, the story of a world where humanity has all but been wiped out, and a lone, human-like rag doll - a faded "9" painted on his back - awakens alone in a room with the corpse of an older man nearby ... unaware of who or where he is until he meets a like fellow, 2, who implies that a device 9 holds in his zippered body may contain the key to saving mankind. The world of 9 is bleak, where machines meant to serve humans took over instead and annihilated most of the population - the leader of which here is The Beast, a one-eyed Goliath with metal, spider-like arms who can build its own soldiers, and needs the essences of 9 and his small band of new friends to finish its job. But for its bleak look and not-for-kids animated story, 9 remained, for me, a fascinating film to watch; it's imagery is riveting, each of the rag doll characters with his or her own personality and garnering full sympathy from me as a viewer - but more importantly, the world these characters inhabit might be sinister and even filled with despair, but also very much alive. Sure, the film doesn't tread a whole lot of new ground. But as this rag-tag team of rag dolls fights for a humankind that might not even deserve saving, potentially giving their own lives to the battle, the fact is you truly care about them and what happens. That alone makes 9 worth seeing. (rated PG-13)  8/10 stars

WONDER WOMAN

(2017) I admit, at first even I was on the bandwagon of those who thought model Gal Gadot was a poor casting choice for Wonder Woman. Though never a huge fan of the TV series, to me Diana Prince was still Lynda Carter, and to cast what appeared to be a reed-thin model in the role made me shudder. Now I only shudder at my own closed-mindedness, as Diana was literally given the royal treatment with this origin-story film ... and thanks in large part to Gadot, Wonder Woman is easily one of the best superhero(ine) films ever made. She truly shines as the beautiful young Amazon princess, grown up on an island shielded from mankind as she is trained to be a warrior, who follows a young American pilot/spy, Steve Trevor (Chris Pine), straight back into the midst of WWII in order to find Ares, God of War, and kill him to stop the destruction of all humans. Here the film becomes a fish-out-of-water story, as Diana tries to adjust to this strange new world of war, led by men, Trevor pretty much trying to help and protect her ... until a beautifully-shot action sequence on a battlefield shows Trevor Diana's true skills - and that she can bloody well take care of herself, thanks very much. And while Gadot is stunningly beautiful, she also really does bring life - a heart and soul, even humor - to Diana/Wonder Woman, in a performance that is perfectly restrained and makes the film shine whenever she is on-screen. Danny Huston, as a high-ranking German solider/madman (thought it was interesting, in the film that Hitler's name was never used ... nor will you see so much as a single swastika ANYWHERE in it) determined to keep the war going, whom Steve has in his sights (and whom Diana is sure is Ares, anyway) is at his usual villainous brilliance, and the film itself plays out Diana's story without hitting so many of the usual superhero film cliches (you can almost always see them coming) present in, for instance, a lot of Marvel films of late. No, Wonder Woman is fresh, exciting, funny, and offers plenty by way of "girl power" role modeling for any young woman watching it. And I again humbly submit my apology, because Gal Gadot is a major force behind why the film is even as good as it is. (PG-13)  9.5/10 stars

Official Trailer - AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

CROOKED HOUSE

(2017) Please indulge a bit of history here: I "discovered" Agatha Christie at the age of 12, in 1974 when I found a movie tie-in paperback of Murder on the Orient Express in a drugstore. The film was due out in theaters soon, so I wanted to read the book first - and that book did it. My fate and lifelong bond with the Queen of Crime herself (who remains my favorite writer of all time, 43 years later) was sealed, and I immediately did everything in my power to get everything she wrote to read them. When I got to Crooked House ... "I was blown away" is an understatement. To this day, I still remember the exact four-word sentence that revealed who the murderer was, and how I went cold all over, my mouth falling open, when I read it. It's still my favorite Christie novel, and indeed was Christie's favorite of her own works; also the only one of her novels that her publishers fairly begged her to change the ending to, before it was published, but she steadfastly (and blessedly) refused. To finally have this brilliant book taken to the screen was both exciting and ominous, but with Glenn Close in it I was hoping for good things ... and am more than happy to say that the film version of Crooked House is as dark and moody as the novel, with a terrific script (Julian Fellowes of "Downton Abbey" fame is credited as one of the three writers) that - though it's been so long since I read it, I can't speak for how absolutely close it sticks to the book - stylistically captures the novel and its story to a "T".

Max Irons, who officially graduates to more complex roles here (though his performance is a bit uneven in places) plays Charles Hayward, son of a deceased Scotland Yard detective whose career path so far is less stellar. as he is trying to keep his own fledgling private detective agency open ... when a former fling with whom Charles has a complicated past, Sophia Leonides (Stefanie Martini) comes to him with a job: her grandfather, the wealthy Greek tycoon Aristide Leonides, has just died, making world headlines, and Sophia believes he was murdered. She wants Charles to prove the same before the police take over the place and cause a huge scandal, and though working with a Scotland Yard crony (Terence Stamp) of his dad's anyway, Charles find himself with unprecedented access to the house - and boy, what a house. From the sister of his first, aristocratic wife who died young (Glenn Close), to his new and much younger ex-dancer wife (Christina Hendricks), to his two sons and their wives and children, the Leonides family is quite possibly the most dysfunctional in human existence, and any one of them could have easily and happily poisoned the old man; opportunity, means, and motive abound. As Charles digs deeper, aided by Aristides's twelve-year-old notebook-carrying granddaughter, Josephine - who started playing detective before Charles even got on the scene - secret motives and hidden passions come to light, making Charles consider whether he can trust even Sophia herself. When an attempt is made on Josephine's life, Charles also finds himself wondering just how much she knows - and how far a killer might go to silence her for good. Crooked House is a bit of a slow burn at first, setting up the crime and family history and their various stories, but it's never boring and when the last half kicks in you'll find yourself unable to break away from watching. Performances are good, especially from Close, and the film's darkness only adds to the tension that builds up to what is probably the absolute best way possible the writers and filmmakers could have chosen for revealing the killer, and shooting what could otherwise have been a fairly static finale (compared to how it was in the novel; that much I do remember). Despite a few slow moments in the first hour, Crooked House remains a crackerjack adaptation that also stands a hundred percent on its own as a terrific mystery film ... bringing back so many memories to me of why it does remain my favorite of Christie's novels. (PG-13)  8.5/10 stars

Official Trailer #2 - TNT's "The Alienist" Season One

Official Trailer - THE NEW MUTANTS

Official Trailer - BLACK PANTHER

"Ghost Wars"

(New Series/SyFy) Watched the pilot for SyFy's newest series "Ghost Wars" last night, and felt compelled to write a review. Having sat through all the increasingly-rancid Sharknado films (among other SyFy gems), being another SyFy Production I didn't have much hope for this series - but am a HUGE Avan Jogia fan (he's genuinely underrated as an actor, actually), plus figured if Vincent D'Onofrio was on-board as well, the script/production had to have something going for it!

And boy, was I pleasantly surprised by a spooky, effective, well-acted, nicely-written, and intriguing pilot with a WAY-cool cliffhanger ending that left me hungry for episode two. Even the special effects, usually laughable with SyFy's in-house productions, were a step up here; in fact, had SpikeTV (another network known for B-movie-level productions) put this kind of effort of quality into "The Mist" and given it a decent cast, better writing and believable effects, that series (which truly was rancid) might have made it to season two.

Jogia is Roman Mercer, the social outcast of Port Moore (a small, remote Alaskan town) mostly thanks to his mother (who's long-since taken off) and her long-term obsession with the paranormal. Roman sees ghosts, and wants to seriously see the back end of Port Moore - this town that's treated him like crap his whole life - as well; the pilot opens with him at a bus station waiting to leave for good, even as he confides his plans (or lack thereof) to a friend who, herself, ends up being a ghost only he can see.

A freak accident keeps Roman from leaving, however - and in fact gets him blamed for a few deaths of his fellow passengers, partially thanks to local weirdo Doug Rennie (Meat Loaf Aday, no less!) and a makeshift posse out for revenge. But there are also residents - human ones - sympathetic to Roman's plight and the burdens he's carried since childhood (including D'Onofrio's Father Carpenter, who himself seems to have a few secrets - or demons - inside), and as the spirits reveal themselves more, taking on a malevolence that results in more lives lost, the residents of Port Moore left standing must face one heck of a realization: not only are they cut off from the world with some seriously pissed-off ghosts ... but their only salvation may lie in the hands of the one person they've persecuted and mistrusted since birth: Roman Mercer.

I feel the need to watch the pilot again - it's very dark in spots (literally, as in the lighting), and there were a couple times I was a bit confused with what I had just seen or heard going on - but in terms of acting, writing, story, tone, atmosphere, effects, violence, and truly holding your interest, the pilot of "Ghost Wars" was a treat, with many secrets and spookiness only hinted at so far. Hopefully things will only get cooler and creepier from here.  8/10 stars

WHAT HAPPENED TO MONDAY

(2017) Also known as Seven Sisters, Netflix's What Happened to Monday is - at its best - a stylish, edge-of-your-seat thriller starring an exceptional Noomi Rapace as the Settman sisters ... seven identical siblings living in hiding since birth because of a dystopian world where - in the very near future - overpopulation has gotten so bad, a One-Child law is enacted, with any additional children being frozen and held on ice for a future when enough space and resources can be found to allow them to live freely again.  For the Settman girls, whose mother died giving birth to them, it was their grandfather Terrence (Willem Dafoe) who couldn't bear to turn six of them in, so he raised them in a large upper-floor apartment with several hidden rooms, giving each girl the name of a day of the week because that was the one day she could go out into society and publicly be the one and only "Karen Settman" - the identity all seven girls would end up taking on, on their one day a week out.  After a quick set-up of the siblings and society, we flash-forward thirty-plus years to a Monday morning, and sister Monday leaving for work to give an important presentation as her other siblings look on (grandpa has since passed).  Each sister, once home at the end of the workday, details everything that happened to her siblings, so that none of them have trouble keeping up the Karen facade even at work ... but on this workday Monday never comes home after work, and her sisters don't know what the heck to do.  Because in this world everyone walking around outside is constantly scanned and accounted for, Grandpa brought the girls up terrified of going outdoors, unless she was the girl playing Karen that day, but now as Monday remains missing ... and then Tuesday, heading to work the next day as Karen to try and find out what's going on, also disappears ... the rest of the septuplets realize the Child Allocation Bureau - headed by the cold-as-ice Nicolette Cayman (Glenn Close) - might be onto them, so they have no choice but to act.  Noomi Rapace is kind of incredible as all seven Settman girls, Close true to form as the icy politico with her own agenda, and as the plot unravels and the sisters seem to be doomed, true motives and betrayals come to light with enough surprises to give this twisty, original film the equally WTF? ending it deserves. A heck of an entertaining, very believable and suspenseful film, even with its over-the-top plot, thanks to the smart casting of its seven leads in Rapace. (not rated)  9/10 stars

WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION

(1957) Just finished a re-watch of one of the best courtroom dramas ever committed to film.  Witness for the Prosecution, directed to perfection by maestro Billy Wilder, features a stellar cast that brings to dramatic, vivid life the short story by the Queen of Crime herself, Agatha Christie; a story that has such a startling, unexpected ending, a voiceover at the end of the film asks the viewer to please never divulge the ending they just saw to another, in the event of spoiling the film for them.  Tyrone Power stars as Leonard Vole, an American living in the UK trying to find his place in the world more than a dozen years after serving in World War II.  He's an inventor - more of a milquetoast, really - married to a German woman named Christine (the one and only Marlene Dietrich), the two of them having fallen in love during wartime, and seems a man simply wandering through life when a chance passing by of a hat store introduces Vole to the rich widow Emily French (Norma Varden).  The two become friends over the next several weeks, incurring the adoration of Mrs. French and ire of her housekeeper Janet (Una O'Connor) ... until, sure enough, Janet comes home one night to find her employer bashed over the head and killed - Leonard Vole summarily arrested for the crime when it's learned the smitten widow left him eighty-thousand pounds in her will.  Enter Sir Wilfrid Roberts (Charles Laughton), London's most infamous barrister and recent sufferer of a massive heart attack, who is literally sent home with a live-in nurse (Laughton's real-life wife, Elsa Lanchester) - and forbidden to try any more cases in open court - on the very day Leonard Vole arrives to hire him for his defense.  Roberts brushes off the case, passing it onto a more-than-capable colleague ... until Christine Vole, cold as ice and twice as hard, shows up in his offices and implies, in more ways than one, that perhaps she doesn't have her beloved husband's best interests at heart for his murder trial, after all.  Everything about this film shines like a raw diamond - the performances, direction, cinematography, writing, everything - and considering much of the movie takes place in a courtroom, there is not a boring moment or single frame of wasted time in the film's entire 116-minute runtime.  The hilarious, often cutting banter between Lanchester and Laughton is priceless - the screen literally lights up whenever they are on it together - and perfectly off-sets the more dramatic tension of the story itself.  And then there's that ending; one which, if you've never seen this or don't know the story, will knock you on your proverbial ass as the story flips - flips - and flips again, all within the last ten minutes of the film.  One of the last truly great classics from Hollywood's Golden Age, they simply didn't make films better than Witness for the Prosecution - and, sadly, never will again. (unrated)  9.5/10 stars

"7 Random Questions": Conversations with Actors

Years ago, when I lived in Los Angeles, I had an old review blog on which I decided to include interviews with actors (though other writing, eventually, got in the way, time-wise).  If I learned one thing from living in the bizarre circus of La La Land, it was to nurture my love of actors; whether a seasoned, award-winning vet or someone who's just landed his/her first speaking role on a primetime series, my deepest respect for what actors (especially the "struggling actor") go through, having seen it first hand - giving up decent food and clothing and even living out of a car to pursue "the dream" - is unmatched.  I often think I should have been an agent; truly think I'd fight for my actors like a mama bear fighting for her children, with 150% conviction of their talent and the daily act of imparting that conviction into the heart of any casting directors who would listen (think Beverly Goldberg sharing her schmoopies with the world).

I MISS doing those phone interviews, and seek to start them up again, here, with a slightly different format called "7 Random Questions" that, basically, works like this:

For an approximate ten-minute phone interview, there would be a total of nine questions.  The first of which will be a version of "Why acting?" (or writing, or directing, or music - depending on the subject) - establishing what turned the person to the industry or that profession in the first place. And in the end question 9, to wind things up, would be a variation on the age-old "Where would you like to be in five years?" theme, to establish the subject matter's hopes or plans for the future; where they'd like to be then, especially in their professional lives.

It's the seven questions in between the actor won't know, going in.  I have a list (so far) of nearly thirty questions (could be anything from "Dogs or cats?" to "Who are your heroes?"), seven of which I would pull from to ask the interview subject.  Nothing controversial, by any means - the point of the interview is to spotlight the actor to the public, particularly for those who might not yet know their work (see "ARCHIVED INTERVIEWS" on the right column of this blog, where you can read a couple of the old sample interviews I've done to get an idea) ... but should know their work, at least in my opinion because each professional interviewed here will be a personal favorite of mine.  Granted, I have lofty ambitions - you can see, here, images of some of the actors I'd give anything to interview/include on this page (and even all this is just a small sampling) - but either way, please do bookmark this page, and keep checking back for interviews of some genuinely talented individuals here; actors and artists you should be paying some HUGE attention to, if you aren't already!

And if you are an actor open to a lively, fun 9-question interview - 7 of those questions random, just to get you thinking - please, by all means, I am hoping to talk with YOU!

LIFE

(2017) Half a dozen astronauts/scientists, aboard an international space station on a mission to retrieve samples from Mars that may denote life on the planet, luck out by finding a tiny single-cell organism that eventually does - indeed - prove irrevocably that life beyond Earth exists, in director Daniel Espinosa's visually stunning but ultimately soulless take on an updated Alien.  Needless to say, the tiny organism - named "Calvin" - doesn't stay tiny for long, and soon the quality cast (including Ryan Reynolds, basically playing Ryan Reynolds, along with Jake Gyllenhaal, Hiroyuki Sanada, and Rebecca Ferguson, to name a few) find themselves peeping around every corner, into every air duct, and doing a lot of running for doors that will hermetically seal them off from the ever-growing, increasingly pissed off (and intelligent) Calvin.  Unable to not compare this film to Ridley Scott's masterpiece, the one glaringly obvious thing Alien had going for it that's lacking in Life is a sense of caring for the characters and what happens to them.  In Alien we cared the snot about Dallas and Ripley and company, and what happened to them; here, you don't really get a sense of who these people are outside of the space station, and any emotional attachment to the film's characters suffers a bit from it.  Life has its moments, and is worth seeing if you're into the whole alien-vs-man/woman genre.  Also, Calvin is kind of cool.  And then there's that ending - which I actually liked, although I fear many seeing the film might not. (rated R)  7/10 stars

October 27th!

Season 2.  'Bout damn time, Netflix.

JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2

(2017) How I loved John Wick.  It was insane, violent, over-the-top, mindless fun, and fit perfectly Keanu Reeves block-of-wood acting style.  Looked forward with anticipation to the sequel even as I knew they'd mess it up; happily, John Wick: Chapter 2 meets somewhere in the middle between hope and reality.  After killing about a bazillion people in the first film, Wick (Reeves) comes home to a new dog, just wanting to get back to his life, until old frenemy Santino (Riccardo Scamarcio) crawls out from under his rock to remind John of an old debt.  A debt that, in fact, will not only thrust John Wick back into the old life of a killer he's so desperate to leave behind ... but also a debt that, if he refuses to pay it, means his certain death.  Naturally, Wick refuses so Santino blows up his house, at which time Wick "gets it" - he has no choice - so after putting his new dog in a safe place he fulfills the contract ... only to find a bit of a double-cross when, to cover his tracks, Santino puts out a high-paying hit out on John's ass to every assassin in his Rolodex.  Thus the carnage begins anew, Wick mostly on the defensive this time as the bodies stack up again and the soulless killer cuts a bloody swath toward Santino ... in a sequel that never quite comes up to par to the original.  The mindless fun isn't quite there, the addition of Common as a bodyguard/assassin is nothing more than an annoying distraction - and unfortunately, instead of being a brooding monosyllabic killing machine here, the film actually tries to give Wick some viable dialogue that allows Reeves a chance to ... "act" instead of just be.  A serviceable sequel, but overall unnecessary and without the visceral glee of number one. (rated R)  6/10 stars 

HANDS ACROSS THE TABLE

(1935) One heck of a reminder, again, of why I fell in love with classic films in the first place, Hands Across the Table stars Carole Lombard (along with Bette Davis, my favorite actress of all time) as Regie Allen, a manicurist for a swanky New York hotel who has long ago given up on love in favor of marrying for money and a stable life.  Regie's found a best buddy in millionaire Allen Macklyn (Ralph Bellamy), a disabled long-term resident of the hotel who gets regular manicures just to visit with her, and to him sometimes the romantic dreamer in Regie still shines through ... but it's the rich, engaged-to-be-married Theodore Drew III (Fred MacMurray), staying temporarily at the hotel prior to his upcoming marriage, that shows an interest in a very nervous Regie, who in turn has her eyes on his bank account.  After a whirlwind night on the town together, however, Regie learns that Drew no longer has his fortune - and is, in fact, the male version of her, his upcoming marriage for money only.  The two form an unlikely alliance/friendship, but through all those dollar signs can't necessarily deny their attraction to each other, broke as each may be.  I loved this film; not nearly as melodramatic as the poster would have you believe, Hands Across the Table is a instead a very funny, even more charming romantic comedy, Carole Lombard at her most captivating and beautiful as she literally makes the screen glow with her presence ... while Fred MacMurray proves, hands-down, that comedy was indeed his true forte.  Lovely film, not to be missed. (unrated)  9/10 stars

**Sorry, no trailer available online!**

LITTLE EVIL

(2017) Original Netflix productions can be hit or miss, but when I saw the trailer for what appeared to be a parody of sorts of The Omen - well, as big a fan as I am of the original trilogy there was no way I could miss that.  Adam Scott stars in the horror comedy Little Evil as Gary, a real estate agent who's finally found the woman of his dreams in Samantha (Evangeline Lilly), the two marrying after a whirlwind courtship. The only fly in the ointment seems to be Sam's five-year-old son Lucas, whom Gary didn't get to spend much bonding time with prior to the wedding - and sure enough, early in the film as Gary is trying to settle into being a stepdad and husband, viewers slowly learn that something fairly sinister and unnamed happened at the wedding ... something somehow related to Lucas, who hasn't exactly taken a shine to Gary. In fact, it would appear Lucas might be downright evil - a sentiment echoed by Gary's group of stepdad friends (led by the hilarious Bridget Everett as Al, who steals every scene shes's in and, in fact, nearly the entire film), who've all felt the same about their stepkid(s) at one time or another. But no, creepy little Lucas really IS evil, complete with a demonic goat puppet (LOVE Reeroy!) and the ability to make people harm themselves, and soon it becomes necessary for Gary and Al to find a way to stop both Lucas and the oncoming Apocalypse - all with, somehow, not killing Lucas and ruining Gary's marriage.  For the first hour of Little Evil I thought the film was good/okay; I laughed out loud in spots, yes, and the performances are fine even if the film itself sometimes didn't seem sure of when it was a comedy and when it was going for scary.  But then a flip in the plot happens, something I didn't see coming, and the last thirty minutes of the film made me kind of fall in love with the whole thing (look for Sally Field in a terrific supporting role that's worth seeing the movie for alone). Having not seen many films about step-parenting the anti-Christ to compare it to, I can still say - without hesitation - that Little Evil is a very strange, very funny indie comedy that for-sure puts a check-mark in the "plus" column of Netflix original productions. (rated TV-MA)  7/10 stars

SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING

(2017) Am unsure of what's most astounding: how these films get worse and worse with each installment, or why the heck I still watch them.  For those unfamiliar, a "sharknado" is literally an oversized, evil tornado that's sucked up a sh*tload of sharks into its vortex before flinging them out again, one at a time, onto an unsuspecting populace - often conservative, Botox-filled grade-Z "celebrities" (hmm, perhaps that's the reason I keep tuning in).  "Beverly Hills 90210" alum Ian Ziering is back again for installment five as Fin (swear to God) Shepard, this time globetrotting around the world as the various sharknados take things global.  Sydney, Australia and London, England alone should sue the filmmakers for what this film does with/to their cities, but whereas early series entries had a sense of humor about themselves - actors practically winking at the camera to show you they get how bad this material is, especially in the first film (which remains the best in the series, for whatever that's worth) - now the filmmakers and writers aren't even trying, Sharknado 5 leaping so far into the ridiculous it's actually painful to sit through.  Already at work on number six, this seems the series that will never end; so much so, were there ever really a sharknado touching down within a fifty mile radius of me, I'd rush to embrace it with open arms. (rated TV-14)  2/10 stars